January 24th, 2015, 8:03 pm

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Reply crossstitch, January 24th, 2015, 8:28 pm

I don't talk to people a lot about my home struggles. I don't tell them my mom is gas lighting me. I don't tell them I've been bullied and could never say it in fear of accusations of lying. I don't tell them how BAD my depression was. I don't tell them about my anxiety's origins. I don't tell them about my abandonment from my father in my early years. I don't tell them the mental struggles I go through. I tell them jokes, sure. But never telling my cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, teachers; no one.

This is the first time I can let out steam without the fear that my mom can easily look through it and attack me about it. (THE DIARY INCIDENT)

My mother is not a saint. Far from it. But I love her with my being. I sympathize and even pity her when she gets upset of me, my brother, her life. I don't take it to heart.

But the fact still remains that I pretty much have Stockholm's Syndrome. I am sympathizing with my captor, and the captor is my mother.

My brother tends to be the one who points it out the most. He says time and time again, "What are you disillusioning yourself for?!" to our mom. He points time and time again the reality and limit to which she knows us by.

She doesn't know a lot of things in our mental struggles. Because we don't tell her. We don't tell her because we love her. If we tell her, she will surely break.

Now you may ask, "What's got you so riled up?" And I can lie to your face and say "Nothing much, just thoughts." And you won't know a thing. But this is different. Because you guys won't know me or my family, thus you have not right to judge them in any way, shape, or form. Nor look at them in disgust when I tell you things that they were the cause of.

When I was little, I was a skinny girl. So skinny you could play the xylophone with my bones. I got teased a lot for it, but my mother never said anything. Just "Eat more, you'll grow." Now that I've grown, she is displease with my... Weight.

It affected me when I was in my preteens, but I could care more about a rat's ass than that now. I'm only upset and betrayed with the fact that she talked to it with my COUSIN who knows little to nothing about what HAPPENS in this household. She wasn't raised with the morals of THIS HOUSEHOLD.

One of said morals is not to take one side of a story. With one side, you don't know the difference. You cannot compare or contrast. You have a story. A story will not be true unless other evidence leads towards it.

They say that I am heavy because I "watch anime". Now, my cousin did that as well, but she lost interest in it; transferring over to Korean dramas. However, the difference was that she lost weight after stopping. But that time was also where she got into sports. (Which is most likely the cause of her shift in weight.) While I cannot due to my Heath issues. It is not the shows, as they take the same amount of time in life, but it is they way we live our lives.

Psychology wise, once you've grown obsessed with something you grown more and more into it that you think nothing of it. You don't go out, you don't talk to people, you focus on that particular thing. That is not my problem.

My "problem" is that I maintain the amount of time where I go out. Many times where I don't, I'm comforting my mother or my brother. I don't want them alone where in turn they leave me by my lonesome. I don't what them to doubt themselves that I don't love them like I do with them. It is not good. I want them to talk to me whereas I can't talk to them.

Yet my mom seems to have forgotten that. My cousin only knows my mother's story. And she idolizes her due to her own circumstances where her mother won't talk to her, but my mother can. My cousin doesn't know of my depression, my anxiety, my past hatred towards everything I was she doesn't know any of it.

She takes my mom's side nether the less. Because she wasn't taught like me in morals. She doesn't know that she should listen to two stories, no matter the bias. She doesn't know about our home life. She doesn't know the reality of my brother and I. How we lived, how we think.


With my mother, she only knows one face. With my mother and I, I know a thousand. Because we lived together, we learned from each other. We know of our flaws and mistakes.

My mother's flaw is a single point of her standings in arguments. Which is why she taught us, her children, the points of being unbiased.

I am simply done. I am betrayed, upset, and I just don't wanna talk anymore. My brother is coping well, but he bottles it all up inside whereas I do things such as this to calm myself. I would say sorry for the trouble, but I'm not.

I am finished. It is time for ignorance and a turning of a blind-eye once again.

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User's Comments:

Reply bucketsofwhat, January 25th, 2015, 10:55 pm

Hello, darling. I can relate to your situation through my own experiences in some aspects and in others I can't. BUT I'm glad that you're letting off steam by doing this rather than by doing something self destructive.
I want to let you know that YOU are a WONDERFUL person, and though you've been through a good deal of hardship you are still persisting. You are kindhearted and put up with a lot. I hope your situation improves sooner than later. I am 110% confident in saying that you are beautiful on the inside and that reflects your beauty on the outside! Don't ever let others get you down or compare you to them. You are a lovely individual and I love your journal comic quite a lot~
NEVER stop being wonderful!

Reply crossstitch, January 26th, 2015, 12:33 pm

@bucketsofwhat: Legit you just made my day wow. I feel giddy inside. Thank you so much for your kind words, it helped improve my day because wow. I hope you'll continue to love the comic as I try to get out of this ranting slump haha.

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